Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Well

To this day I can't keep myself from looking in car windows on my way into church each week.

I'm looking for me.

Just in case she's sitting there.

Trying to decide whether or not to go inside.

Just in case she's in the fight of her life and wondering if Jesus is real and if God is who He says He is.

Just in case she's trying to decide if love and hope and faith belong to her too.

I'm looking for me.

18 years old with a baby in a carseat and two different last names. Because things do not always work out like we dreamed they would.

I'm looking for me.

20 years old and can't get past The Scarlet Letter. The ugly words. The shame. The guilt. The hatred.

I'm looking for me.

22 years old who's tried to find Jesus. But who couldn't get close enough to see if there was a line drawn in the sand or not. I'm looking for the girl who knows nothing but stones.

I'm looking for me.

24 years old who has found her Father for the first time in 22 years. Who had to meet him face to face in the state prison. Who went looking for answers to questions and who went looking for repentance and regret and hope that there was an explanation for why He walked away all those years ago and whose wondering if her Heavenly Father loves her the way her earthly Father never could.

I'm looking for me.

26 years old and who's wondering if every mistake she's ever made is what defines her. Who's wondering if the words others have chosen to use are true. Who's wondering if there really is a place and a space in God's kingdom for her.

I look for her every Sunday morning. 

Because I know if I can get my arms around her....this is what she would say.

I already know that I'm struggling.

I already know I may not have made the best decisions.

But when I woke up this morning, I wondered if today would be the day.

I wondered if I could have some of that water too.

But I don't know Him like you do and I don't trust anyone.

So when you shout me down with the scriptures, I can't hear anything that you are saying.

It falls on deaf ears and years and years of woundedness.

I need you to be the scriptures.

Don't tell me. 

Show me.

Show me in humility. Show me in kindness and meekness. Show me in love and patience and gentleness. Show me in authenticity and transparency. Show me in thoughtfulness and true generosity. Show me in honesty and faithfulness.

Show me how you draw from this deep, deep well.

Remember that I am a daughter too.

I may not have been loved like you and raised like you and educated like you.

But I am a daughter too.

Maybe my past looks different than yours but if you use the scriptures to shame me and to judge me and to humiliate me and exclude me...

I will walk out of this church and never come back.

You don't know what it took for me to get here this morning.

It took everything.

I'm looking for the well.

I've heard that I can meet Him here too. But I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

Will you lead me in love and kindness and gentleness and patience and goodness?

Will you show me what following Jesus looks like?

Will you be honest and true and genuine and sincere with me?

I can't match an image of perfection and a pretentious heart.  I can't follow that.

I only know worthlessness.

But someone told me once that He loves me too. Someone told me once that the work of the cross was for me too. Someone told me once that my sins are forgiven and that the grace of God was my gift too. Someone told me that I could just show up here and He would meet me in a very real and beautiful way and that I could experience His great love in this place. 

I am looking for the well.

I am looking for forgiveness and for hope and for healing. 

I am looking for the truth.

I am looking for a place to belong.

I am looking for Him.

Please be careful with me today.

I may not look like you and talk like you and live life like you.

But I am a daughter too.

I've read it in His word......

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and rising up; You understand my thought afar off.  You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all of my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high and I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence ? If I assend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.  If I say, "surely darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall me a light about me; Indeed, the darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
when I awake, I am still with You."  ~ Psalm 139:1-18

Be Glorified Lord. Use These Words To Bring Change In The Hearts Of Your Daughters.....


Sheri said...

Love this Sibi - your post are on fire. Love them sister. xo

paige said...

& it is a deep deep well of hope and healing and new mercies every day! so thankful he gives mercies everyday because i blow it every day & NEED HIM!
(ps--love tiffini's link over there as well!! love her signs!)

Unknown said...

Wow. Just wow. I want to give you a great big hug! You are a blessing to all women who feel they are not enough. And unfortunately that's most of us. Thank you for being real and being brave and just being a sister on this journey with us.

Jennifer said...

I needed this. Not because I was in the same situation as your were years ago...but because I have one of those daughters and sons in my own family right now. I came from a storybook Walton family and it's been very hard to overlook things. But girl is God working through your words to teach me right now! I'm crying at my desk because I was the screamer of the scripture WHEN I HAVE to be the shower of his love and grace and mercy. Just as HE has shown me time and time again!
WOW! Just all I can say is WOW!

Curious Thinker said...

Hello Sibi, I thought that was very beautiful and touching post. I agree with the others god heals and gives mercy to all that embrace him. God Bless you.

Shakin' the Foundation said...

I could have been that girl several years back, the one you look for. I love this post and the unconditional love you share with every word written.
God bless you Sibi

Tiffany said...

Thank you for these beautiful words. I'm eager to read every word you have to write. Please keep these posts coming!
Love, Tiffany

Anonymous said...

Now.....I want to look in cars too.

Unknown said...

This post…this post is why you continue to be one of my most very favorite bloggers!!! Hugs, Sibi!


Laura said...

Beautiful. :)

Laura said...

Beautiful. :)

Karen Sue said...

I've thought similar thoughts about what I'm missing on my way in and out, while my minds is spinning in circles.
And I like the Christian songs that remind me to look...
and all who thirst will thirst no more...and all who search will find what their souls long for..
What have I got to offer?? How can I help? What would he have me to do??

Unknown said...

I love this post and your previous on the New Church Lady. You are so gifted in sharing truth, and your words a beautiful.
Love to you and your family.
Hoping there will be a Pearl Event for 2014!!!!! And, hoping its a day that I can come! :-)