Light Affliction

Even before the alarm sounded this morning, I was awake.

I was up pacing the floor and thinking about the "what if's" and whispering the "please Lord's".

Praying for all of Heaven's attention on a Monday morning at two a.m.

One would think I've learned how to trust by now......

And I have on many levels.

But bigger storms require a deeper trusting.


There were babies asleep in my bed and I should have been sleeping too.

But I was busy watching over them. 

Asking for more mercy and more grace than I am probably allowed and begging Him to equip me.  I don't want to just "get through" another week. But I want to Mother them and  Mother them well.

Not out of exhaustion. Not out of a heavy burden. And not out of frustration.

I long to Mother them out of a place and space filled with love and grace- no matter what.

This is when I start the clinging on of Jesus.

But Monday mornings tend to bring this out in me.

When the man who is the rock of this family walks out the door at 5:00 a.m. every Monday morning and doesn't return until late Friday night every, single week.

Two years and two months now, but I am not counting.

I want what I had scripted for my life. I want what looks and sounds and feels like the very definition of a happy, normal life even though we all know that "normal is just a setting on the dishwasher."

I think that most of the time I am a really strong person. I can handle a lot.

But today, in the wee hours of the morning, I started feeling like I couldn't do this anymore...

I'm tired of having to be so strong.

I am worn out bone weary and heartbroken from doing life completely solo.

I want my Husband to wake up with us as a family, have breakfast together, take the kids to school together. And be home with us again at five o'clock so that we can have dinner together as a family every night.

I long for this.

I want him home for baths, homework, prayers, bedtime stories and a sweet baby learning to crawl.

When he's gone, it doesn't feel right. We are all kinds of out of sorts.


Including but not limited to, arriving at our destination by the seat of our pants with at least one person missing a pair of shoes.


Although on a good day, it's just one person, one shoe. Thank you Jesus.

I've got to be the best "Mama-Daddy" in the world for these children and there are days that I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I long for community.

But some women love to tear each other down and I just can't bear that right now.

I don't want mean spirited questions.

I don't want rude comments.

I don't want the jabs and the putdowns spoken with a smile.

I don't want someone bringing me dinner when I have a baby just so they can see the inside of my house.

Please Lord.

It's nothing close to perfect.

And it certainly is not filled with the types of furnishings and such that some people strive for in life.

My home is decorated with prayers and sacrifice and the footprints of six precious children.

I don't want someone offering to host my child for a play date just so they can compare their child against mine .

Their child will win every time. 

Because I am doing the job of two people right now and confident that every, single one of my children could act better, do better and be better. Amen.

We don't always sit down at the table and have a civilized dinner.

Sometimes we drive through "Happy Donalds" and by the time we get home there isn't a chicken nugget in sight. In fact, if you opened the door to my SUV right now I can promise you that a french fry will spill out of the car door.

We don't always place our napkin in our lap. We don't always use our manners. We don't always do and say the right thing but we try. Lord do we try.

But the last time I checked, the raising of children isn't a "dog and pony show."

I'm not interested in performance based parenting......

This isn't what I would have scripted for my life but I am doing everything I can right now to pour into and love six precious children.

Things can change for better or worse overnight.

Change has no address. Sometimes, it just happens. 


This isn't what I prayed for. Hoped for. Dreamed for. This separation within our own family.


It's just life.


Life can stop you on a dime and give you five cents change....
It can catch us completely off guard and knock the breath out of us and pull the rug out from underneath us all at the same time.

As I was pacing the floor this morning, and the tears came.... He dropped two words in my spirit.

"Light affliction."

Which took me to that oh -so- wonderful scripture.

You know the one...

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18


Do you have a favorite scripture that helps you through your "light afflictions?"

Please share it here so we can all get a big impartation of His glorious word today.

I'm mindful today not to lose heart.......praying that for you too.

Remember To Love

Image: Huffington Post ~ Sept. 11th  Anniversary Coverage

I'm remembering today. Honoring today. Praying for those who lost so much ten years ago today.

Those who have an empty space that can never be filled.

For all of those who lost sons and daughters.

Mothers and Fathers.

Brothers and Sisters.

Praying that the only One who can truly comfort would cover and hover and pour out His love upon them today...

I'm remembering today ....

We were there.

There are no words that can describe. No human prayer big enough to cover the loss. To ease the pain.


If you have family who loves you ......who wants you......call them. Go and see them. Hug them. Make up and apologize to one another. Find the best in one another. Overlook their shortcomings. Pray for them. Forgive them. Bless them. Write to them. Prefer them over yourself.......remember to love.

I'm holding my babies and my husband tight today.

A Better Plan

This morning the home phone rang at the crack of dawn and it was her.

It was my first born gift. 

My Macey Girl.  

That sweet thing that still sits in my lap and has a
thick as Aunt Jemima syrup southern drawl that melts my heart every single time I hear it.

She has a "sing songy" professional happy person personality and can have me in stitches within minutes.

I love my baby girl. Twenty one years and eight months old worth of love.

With a heart the size of Texas and a personality that could land her a talk show of her very own.

She has a razor sharp quick wit and I mean razor sharp beyond her years.

She can hold her own....Lord can she ever.

She is an old soul. A lover of children, home, family and every hair care product ever made.

She walks with a quiet faith. I love that about her....

I've watched her grow and blossom and hit some bumps during these 21 years and 8 months.

I've watched the very definition of grace be made manifest in her life and watched her begin to walk in her own understanding of that very word.

As I was listening to her share her world with me this morning, while stepping over toddlers hanging on my legs. While packing the Star Wars lunch box, while trying to rescue a naked three year old who had accidentally locked himself inside the SUV. While trying to find just one pair of matching knee socks.

I stopped everything and remembered.

When it was just us.

In January of 1990 on the tenth day.

When God Himself called me to my life long dream of becoming a Mother.

There wasn't a bring home outfit, or birth announcement or a wedding band on my left hand.

But He was there. Hovering over me and my brand new baby girl. I realize that now....

And I had never loved anything as much as I loved that child.

 I was eighteen years old and not a dime to my name but I loved her.....

I didn't know the proper and exact "by the book" way to do things and did not have the money that would afford giving her the most beautiful nursery and all the things that go along with that.

But I loved her.

I wasn't anything close to the perfect Mother and made many wrong decisions.

But I loved her.

And no hell or high water was going to take her away from me.

We walked through our fair share of those very things.  Book worthy things.

We have known sorrow and heartache and the very definition of what it means to overcome hardship.

But if we hadn't walked through those things I don't know that Macey would be who she is today.

And I love who she is. And who God has called her to be.


My second dream after motherhood was to be a professional dancer. Years of training and lessons gave me the chance to do just that. I wanted to move to NYC and dance my way into destiny and never stop.

It was my passion.

But God had a different plan.

And I am so thankful for that now.

I wouldn't trade it for all the pointe shoes and theater performances in the entire world.

After ten years of single motherhood, I met and married my precious husband.

He asked Macey's permission to marry me. (She said "Yes!")

He proposed to me and then to Macey on bended knee.

He gave an engagement ring to me and then a diamond cross to Macey.

"I want to be a Father to you baby and we are going to be a family." He meant it. Every word of it.

Melt me.

He said vows to me and then to Macey on our wedding day.

Melt me.

He danced with me at our reception and then with Macey.

Melt me.

Talk about a recompense.........


My husband had a big dream too.

I remember many conversations about his dream to play in the NFL.

He was blessed with a full scholarship to play for a major university in college. (the one where the bank has to close early on game day and all the bank ladies wear dangly earrings in team colors. None other than the SEC!)

His dream was to eventually play in the NFL and he had all the talent and ability to do just that.

And then it happened.

A major knee injury during a practice changed everything.

His dream of playing in the NFL was over.

I remember the day we were sitting together talking about how the injury changed everything and I asked one simple question.


"Honey, what was the month and year that all of this happened?"


"April of 1989."


I just stood there in complete shock and awe and disbelief.


I remember him standing there staring at me.


"Do you know the month and the year that I became pregnant with Macey?"


"April of 1989."


God had a different plan. A better plan. A family plan.


We could not believe how God orchestrated things on our behalf years before we would even realize what had happened. That two very young people with two very big and very different dreams would be turned toward a new plan, His plan, during the exact month of the exact year in the exact same state.

I doubt we ever would have met one another if he had been drafted into the NFL because this girl has never set foot inside an NFL game.  I'm also fairly convinced that my husband would never have set foot inside a major theater in the middle of Manhattan~ especially not the ballet.

So maybe, just maybe and this is just a thought......

Right now whatever you are going through, walking through, pushing through is part of a greater plan. A plan with a purpose so grand you couldn't have orchestrated it if you tried. A purpose so full of destiny that no eye has seen and no ear has heard of such wonder and goodness.

There is a man who will love you and love your children as if they were his own. You can raise children as a single mother with very little money, without the love and support of family and friends, without status, things, position, titles and degrees and they will turn out to be wonderful human beings.

I want to encourage you today to scoop those babies up in your arms, eat peanut butter and jelly to keep the lights on if you have to and sing His praises for what He is about to do in your life.

It's just a better plan.

His plan.

The best is yet to come sweet friends.....

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

The Waiting Room

I can remember being on the outside looking in. Leaning against the glass separating me between faith,  the substance of things hoped for, and the manifestation of that faith.

The miracle.

I've had my face pressed against the waiting room side of faith for most of my life.

Pressed hard against those places called hope and patience and good things come to those who wait.

The waiting room.

God's personal holding pattern.

His promises are "Yes and Amen." But His answers are sometimes "I have a different plan" or in the case of my own personal testimony in many different areas.

"Wait."

I have memories of waiting and believing. Waiting and praising Him in the midst. Waiting only to end up with closed doors. Waiting for my turn to finally come only to be blindsighted with another trauma. Another heartache.

Waiting and crying myself to sleep because the two most beautiful pink lines in the entire world didn't appear on my stick. Years of that type of waiting. That sacrificial waiting . Holy waiting. Waiting with a praise in my heart for everybody else's baby that was born. For every birth announcement in the mail. For every beautiful, glowing expectant mother I saw over and over again.


There isn't anything more beautiful than a woman who is expecting.


Except for the day when what she was expecting has been made manifest and is finally in her arms.


The miracle.


And by His grace I have six of my own.


Grateful me....


I remember waiting for my husband to propose. And thinking that if he didn't I was absolutely going to die and somebody would have to bury me and my entire collection of little girl dreams and Martha Stewart magazines along with me.

I'm southern for heavens' sake.

And southern girls dream about their wedding day and talk about their wedding day and plan on their wedding day from the time they are old enough to twirl.

And I might as well have been born carrying a bouquet.


Last year on May 20 I celebrated ten years of marriage with my husband. For our anniversary all I wanted was to see the babies.


Not your average ten year anniversary gift but that is what my heart wanted...

I needed to stand next to someone else's miracle.

Because last May 20 I was believing God for a few things in my own life. A whole list of them actually.

And when you are believing God for a miracle in your own life there isn't anything that will jumpstart your faith quicker than standing next to somebody else's.

And I happen to personally believe that the greatest miracle on earth is the gift that is a newborn baby.

He drove me downtown to the hospital and walked me straight up to the waiting room of the maternity floor and stood back and waited for me.

There were some deep breaths and tears fell and I whispered to Him the desires of my heart.

Right there in that waiting room.

Right there on the "I'm believing God for...." side of the glass.

He spoke to my heart.

I heard the Father whisper to me that morning...

"Right now you are in the waiting room. But soon, you are going to be in the delivery room both in the spiritual and in the natural."

Big sigh.

If you've visited here before you may remember that I was already expecting and had absolutely no idea.

He had gone before me.

Any woman who has ever been "expectant" knows a thing or two about waiting.

But the delivery.... The bringing forth of that which was promised to you. The birthing of that which was once a prayer request, a heart cry, a dream within the deep places. It makes all the waiting worth while.

Maybe your " delivery" is graduation day or adoption day. Maybe it is the contract on the sale of your home or the acceptance of your offer on one. Maybe it is the first day on the job of your dreams. Or the
wedding day you've waited a lifetime for..

You will deliver sweet friend.

It's going to happen.

You may be safe and sound in His holding pattern right now.

Pacing back and forth in the waiting room. But it is going to happen. You are going to deliver. One day at the appointed time, you will walk across the stage and receive your diploma. You will walk down the aisle and have a partner in this life. You will have the job you have dreamed about. You will have your song published and your book published and your screen play published. You will fulfill the call that is on your life. You will go on that missionary trip and love those children who have no hope. You will learn to trust again. Love again. Hope again. Dream again. Begin again. Start over again.......

Don't depise the waiting room.


My prayer for you today, on this Labor day is that the hope which is within you. That which you've discounted, pushed aside or allowed to die. That today, maybe you would allow God to do a beautiful work in you this morning. That those special things, dreams and ideas would be stirred up again and would begin to grow and that at the appointed time.....you would deliver.


" Each young woman's turn came to go in to King Ahasuerus AFTER she had completed twelve months' preparation, according to the regulations for the women, for thus were the days of their preparation apportioned: six months with oil of myrrh, and six months with perfumes and preparations for beautifying women." Esther ~ 2:12

I absolutely love what God calls the waiting room in His word.....

Beauty Preparations.

Waiting makes us beautiful if we will allow it....