Monday, September 19, 2011

Light Affliction





Even before the alarm sounded this morning, I was awake.

I was up pacing the floor and thinking about the "what if's" and whispering the "please Lord's".

Praying for all of Heaven's attention on a Monday morning at two a.m.

One would think I've learned how to trust by now......

And I have on many levels.

But bigger storms require a deeper trusting.


There were babies asleep in my bed and I should have been sleeping too.

But I was busy watching over them. 

Asking for more mercy and more grace than I am probably allowed and begging Him to equip me.  I don't want to just "get through" another week. But I want to Mother them and  Mother them well.

Not out of exhaustion. Not out of a heavy burden. And not out of frustration.

I long to Mother them out of a place and space filled with love and grace- no matter what.

This is when I start the clinging on of Jesus.

But Monday mornings tend to bring this out in me.

When the man who is the rock of this family walks out the door at 5:00 a.m. every Monday morning and doesn't return until late Friday night every, single week.

Two years and two months now, but I am not counting.

I want what I had scripted for my life. I want what looks and sounds and feels like the very definition of a happy, normal life even though we all know that "normal is just a setting on the dishwasher."

I think that most of the time I am a really strong person. I can handle a lot.

But today, in the wee hours of the morning, I started feeling like I couldn't do this anymore...

I'm tired of having to be so strong.

I am worn out bone weary and heartbroken from doing life completely solo.

I want my Husband to wake up with us as a family, have breakfast together, take the kids to school together. And be home with us again at five o'clock so that we can have dinner together as a family every night.

I long for this.

I want him home for baths, homework, prayers, bedtime stories and a sweet baby learning to crawl.

When he's gone, it doesn't feel right. We are all kinds of out of sorts.


Including but not limited to, arriving at our destination by the seat of our pants with at least one person missing a pair of shoes.


Although on a good day, it's just one person, one shoe. Thank you Jesus.

I've got to be the best "Mama-Daddy" in the world for these children and there are days that I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I long for community.

But some women love to tear each other down and I just can't bear that right now.

I don't want mean spirited questions.

I don't want rude comments.

I don't want the jabs and the putdowns spoken with a smile.

I don't want someone bringing me dinner when I have a baby just so they can see the inside of my house.

Please Lord.

It's nothing close to perfect.

And it certainly is not filled with the types of furnishings and such that some people strive for in life.

My home is decorated with prayers and sacrifice and the footprints of six precious children.

I don't want someone offering to host my child for a play date just so they can compare their child against mine .

Their child will win every time. 

Because I am doing the job of two people right now and confident that every, single one of my children could act better, do better and be better. Amen.

We don't always sit down at the table and have a civilized dinner.

Sometimes we drive through "Happy Donalds" and by the time we get home there isn't a chicken nugget in sight. In fact, if you opened the door to my SUV right now I can promise you that a french fry will spill out of the car door.

We don't always place our napkin in our lap. We don't always use our manners. We don't always do and say the right thing but we try. Lord do we try.

But the last time I checked, the raising of children isn't a "dog and pony show."

I'm not interested in performance based parenting......

This isn't what I would have scripted for my life but I am doing everything I can right now to pour into and love six precious children.

Things can change for better or worse overnight.

Change has no address. Sometimes, it just happens. 


This isn't what I prayed for. Hoped for. Dreamed for. This separation within our own family.


It's just life.


Life can stop you on a dime and give you five cents change....
It can catch us completely off guard and knock the breath out of us and pull the rug out from underneath us all at the same time.

As I was pacing the floor this morning, and the tears came.... He dropped two words in my spirit.

"Light affliction."

Which took me to that oh -so- wonderful scripture.

You know the one...

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18


Do you have a favorite scripture that helps you through your "light afflictions?"

Please share it here so we can all get a big impartation of His glorious word today.

I'm mindful today not to lose heart.......praying that for you too.


25 comments:

Hoffman's Hideaway said...

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Sometimes all we can do is breathe in and out and know that HE will take care of the rest. Praying it will be a peaceful week.

KatieB. said...

You have more strength than any woman I know. Praying for a good week for you and your children. Praying God gives you strength and smiles to carry you through. Praying that He will give you the words and the motions when you cannot find them. And, if I lived next door. I'd have you over for coffee and cookies, if only just to sigh. xoxo

Heather said...

I love this post. I am praying for you RIGHT NOW.

Becca said...

Sibi,

Hugs, I know your sweet heart must be so weary. I had mascara running down my to my toes while reading this. It can be so hard. No matter if your 5 weeks pregnant with your 1st, or parenting #6. You hang in there girl. God can see the beginning from the end and if you knew the wonderful plan He has in store for the P&G family, you would NEVER worry again.

But with that being said, one of my favorite vereses is Psalm 56:8...

You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.

Every tear, and every single ache.

Last week my sister told us if we wanted her to keep Gibson (so we could go to dinner) we would need to pay her just like a regular babysitter. Then next day at Lowes I was looking at mums and a little old lady was having a fit over his squishy legs hanging from his smocked bubble. I had to look away and blink back tears when my heart started wishing his grandmothers cared as much as this sweet stranger (who I wanted to ask to adopot us!). To know that GOD has both of those aches written in his book blows.my.mind.

He cares. Even when family doesn't.



You are loved!

Becca

Work in progress said...

Hosea 2:14-15 Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor (meaning trouble) a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth...

I said a prayer for you in your desert; may God speak tenderly to you.

lizziefitz said...

Normal , a setting on a dishwasher! Girl you even have a sense of humor in the wee hours! I know your heart . I have been there more than once. It will get better, I promise. I have different hurdles now.
My favorite verse that has gotten me through on more than one crisis...
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and heals those who are crushed in spirit.
Big real ,nonjudgemental hugs sweet mama!!!xoxo

paige said...

my friend. you have more grace & gumption & guts & did i say grace than anyone i know.
your home is a light on a hill.
those babies are blessed to call you mamadaddy
& that macie girl is watching what is certainly the most intentional woman in her life lay down her own for others. no greater love my friend.
no greater love.

i love you & call it a privilege and an honor to be your friend.
praying He give you exceedingly more strength & peace that surpasses all of our own understanding and that His face shine upon you today.
may you be afflicted with the light of his glory

love you dearly

Marla said...

Sibi,

I love your posts. i get so much from your strength, and humbleness. I love hearing another mom just asking the Lord to be a better mom. Don't we all want that?? Your faith & honesty inspires me.

Love!

Just Ask Beth said...

beautiful... I think the smile on your childrens little faces speaks volumes of the wonderful, caring mother you are.

Amy said...

Isaiah 40.11... and will gently lead those that have their young. Praying for supernatural strength as you look to the source of all grace this week.

KTG said...

Hebrews 12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

This verse came to mind first thing.
My daughter calls it the nugget house! Much of my week is parenting a 1 and 3 year old solo. I am working very hard so I am tender towards judgement of my job. Only the Lord could know it all. But your words encouraged me today!!

Gwynie Pie said...

I am praying for you right now that you will be super-charged by the Spirit to do everything that is before you to do. I pray your week goes smoothly, with few problems and great joys. And I pray your situation will change soon and your husband can work closer to home. God can do ANY thing !!!! :)

I can not imagine raising little ones for days at a time all by myself. I did it for a week at a time,over a period of about 6 months. BUT my kiddos were high-schoolers. Not the same thing. at all. :) Bless you !

I'm also going to pray for you to have some real and true girlfriends. Some heart-friends that have no desire to compare or envy or criticize. I tell you something ----I'm with Katie B. I'd love!!!! to hang out with you. You are a woman of great depth. I've learned much from you. I probably have never told you this, since life has been speeding past me like a California freeway, but...I made a copy of your posts "Decree a Thing", where you talked about "declaring" good over our lives. After my husband read them, he wanted a copy as well. Your words followed up other words, words the Lord had been speaking to us. I have been so encouraged by those posts. I still read them. Just wanted you to know that.

So be blessed, have a wonderful week, kiss those babies and remember that yes, our affliction IS light. Also momentary. The hard times won't last forever. They won't. Living 59 years has taught me that. Dark days never last. The clouds will blow away soon. And relief will come.

Gwyn Rosser, The Pink Tractor
gwynrosser.blogspot.com

Hoots Momma said...

You have encouraged so many women over the years and it sounds like you need some yourself. Bless you and know Beauty for Ashes... Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor

I'll be praying for you sweet pearl. keep your head high and let all see your light during this season in your life.

DianeTaylor said...

Hi Sibi - your post made me tear up a bit. I was going thru my google reader and one of the blogs I read is about a wonderful family who lost their first born child. She knows about change - in her post this morning she had this scripture reading and I thought of you and your struggles:

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:


Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."


Lamentations 3:21-24

Sending you JOY today - and the belief that every day can start anew.

~dt~

The Mrs. said...

Your best post yet. Your raw emotion is so touching and I share some of your worries. I too am up pacing, looking for answers and tired out of my mind. So hard to stay strong in these times!!

Nealie said...

Hugs to you friend, may we continue our intentional mamadaddying outside of "survival mode"---a fav:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Nealie said...

and this... http://pinterest.com/pin/216512950/

Michele said...

Beautiful words from a beautiful woman. You have so much strength Sibi and a kind, gentle, loving heart. Your family is so blessed to have you! How I wish we lived closer though. I hope to meet you in person one day. Keeping you and your beautiful family in my thoughts and prayers.

Laura said...

I hear you on so many levels....I am alone with 4 kids a lot too and am trying to do my very best. It isn't always pretty or quiet around here!

Praying for you tonight...sweet rest, sweet dreams and a sweet tone of voice as you race out the door in the morning. ;)

Lori said...

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens ~ He has made everything beautiful in it's time" ~
Eccl 3:1-11

{{HUG}}
Lori

3 Peanuts said...

Sibi,

Oh My!!! I just NEED to hug you. You are amazing, You do so much my friend.

Dave never travels and he is out of town right now and I am going CRAZY and I have half the kiddos you have. How you keep it going is beyond my comprehension. I pray for you from time to time but you are getting my daily prayers now.

I am truly blessed with friends who love me warts and all (and I have A LOT OF warts). They love me when my house is dirty and my kids are rude and when I am exhausted and cranky. And that is my prayer for you. I want God to bless you with other Godly women to help you. My friends and I chip in when each other's hubbies are out of town. We all gather for happy hour on Friday some weeks just to celebrate making it through another week. This is what I want for you.


This verse is my "go to" in light affliction.....


1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.


I love it so much that I want it painted on my mudroom wall as a daily reminder of how I ought to live. And it is hard to rejoice when you are having a tough time but that is when I focus on the pray continually and give thanks. And Sibi....I know you live you life just like that verse.

Hugs,
kim

Tiffany said...

hi Sibi,

i cannot begin to tell you how much i resonate with this post. While our circumstances are not completely the same - i feel i have been in the same waters lately of not understanding why my life is the way it is - its not what I planned or expected! I need reminders and guidance often to know I am where He put me and as long as I am pleasing to Him - what else matters??

yes life is life and we must live it - I just want to feel a lift of the weight - all we can do is out best! Sending you love, peace, understanding and the endurance to keep the pace - may you feel refreshed today and tomorrow!

much love
xoTiffany

JT and Angie said...

I came to your blog tonight for a little encouragement. I visit from time to time. :-) I decided to post a comment because I just wrote the same scripture on my blog tonight!
http://ourtreasureourheart.blogspot.com/
Blessings-
Angie

***Beth*** said...

5 am also comes early at our house on Monday mornings since my husband also travels each week for work.

Do you have Jesus Calling by Sarah Young? If so, read December 17th.

When comparison starts killing my contentment and I feel weak and ineffective, I look to these verses to keep me grounded:

2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Joshua 1:9
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

I will join Kim and pray for Him to surround you with non judgmental Godly women who can be His hands and feet.

msdonnaclaire said...

Thank you...for putting to words the burdens in my heart. Once again, I am amazed at the places God speaks to me.

I Corinthians 9:25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.