Tuesday, March 25, 2014

When God Speaks




Last year I walked through a season of overwhelming despair.

And so I took pen to paper and did the only thing that I know how to do when that feeling hits.

I wrote to Him.

I wrote and journaled and let my heart empty out the things I didn't have the courage to even so  much as whisper in a prayer.

I shared with Him what I felt like were a series of mistakes that I had made during a really painful time in my life last year, as well as some really hurtful relational things that happened at the same time and I didn't know how to overcome them. I couldn't fix them. I couldn't undo them.

I also shared how unqualified and ill equipped I felt with anything regarding writing or blogging or ministry or marriage or the raising of children or even just life in general.

I highlighted my many mistakes, just in case He had failed to take note of them.

I also told Him that I honestly had no idea what He wanted me to do with The Pearl Event, with this blog, with the piles of notebooks filled with pages that could be books, the bible studies and teachings and lessons that I had been writing for the last ten years.

I shared with Him about how He needed to give it to someone else.

Someone more capable. Someone more qualified. Someone with ten degrees hanging on the wall. Someone with a huge realm of influence and big time platforms and blogs and callings. Someone with a famous husband or famous friends or the ability to just make phone calls and create backing and support and the like.

I'm not your girl, I told Him.

It shouldn't be this hard for this many years.

This feeling that overwhelms my heart every year of having to push through a giant wall of adversity and obstacles and doing the work of ten people solo to create an event to bless His daughters.

I'm a Mama and it's all I've ever done and it's all that I know how to do and there are days where I fail miserably at just that.

Lots of days, actually.

So I felt that for now, I should just try and focus on getting that right. After 24 years of parenting, I am still trying to figure out the mystery of motherhood and the raising of beautiful children.

I flipped to the last page and wrote whatever I felt He was speaking to my heart.

"I am the only connection you need. Stay connected to the source. I can make happen for you in a  moment what it takes people years to achieve on their own." 

And while I have never been nor will I ever be, the blogger who blogs with the "what's in it for me mentality" I couldn't help but wonder about what I thought He had called me to do, especially where The Pearl Event was concerned. I have spent the last six years blogging to give, not blogging to get.
Which is the complete opposite of most of the blog world.

But I have struggled as of late with feeling like a failure and with everything feeling really, really hard and even feeling like maybe I just completely missed it. Big time.

To create something from nothing.

One hundred percent grass roots.

Without mentors or huge influence or help or financial backing and with truck loads of naysayers waiting in the wings.

It is not for the faint of heart.

And so after many years of trying and failing, in my opinion, on New Years Eve this year I gave it all to Him. 

I carried it to Him, along with mountains of what I considered to be failure of epic proportions and I placed it at His feet.

I apologized for my failure and shortcomings and mistakes and for clearly not being able to execute whatever on earth it was that He wanted me to do.

I talked with a couple of faithful friends and shared with them that I was walking away from everything with the exception of my family.

It was time.

No more writing or speaking or blogging about Him. 

No more encouraging others through His word.

No more ministry.

No more Pearl Events or anything of the sort.

I'm leaving all of that for the perfect people and the experts and the qualified.

And so on Jan. 1 this year I told Him these things and said these words...

"Unless you tell me otherwise, I'm done." You have to do it Lord.

If you want me to do anything else ....You have to do it, so that I know it is all You. I can't do this any more."

I then wrote a blog post about editing your life and home stuff and didn't write anything else for nearly a month.

I was too busy walking through a crisis of faith.

Evaluating the last 10 years I had sown into the lives of others. The years I gathered women in my home every Wed. to love on them and share His word. The years of Pearl Events. The six years of filling the pages here with post after post all for His glory. The countless, endless things - all in His name. 

As well as rehearsing the mountain of mistakes I've made, which just so happens to be one of my spiritual gifts. 

I recounted them one by one, and tried to make some sense out of everything as well as justify it all.

And then, in spite of all of my shortcomings and mistakes and my walking away on Jan. 1 this year...

The Father came in like a flood.

He woke me up in the wee hours of the morning on Jan. 29th and asked me to write a post called "The New Church Lady."

To which I immediately replied with something along the lines of "NO WAY."

There isn't anything about me that would qualify me to write something like that- I am not a good church lady when meant in a good way and I struggle and fail miserably and have made way too many mistakes and besides, those words have such a negative connotation attached to them. Those words make people cringe, Lord.

Church ladies are notorious for excluding and judging and condemning and 
running the "Holy Huddle" at their various churches.

Why would anyone want to read that? 

No way.

And He whispered and wooed and prompted and guided and led and I relented.

And together we wrote. Just like we have nearly every post here these last six years.

And then because He is God and He is looking for willing and obedient and not perfection.

He sent nearly one million people here to read and share and forward that post- all in a manner of days.

And I went into a full fledged panic attack.

People from all over the country reached out in various ways, Pastors and leaders and clergy, asking permission to share it in their pulpits, and their Sunday School classrooms and with their bible studies and women's groups and in their newsletters and church bulletins.

They wrote and shared their own experiences and some even shared their own reasons for walking away from the church and ultimately from Him.

They wrote and shared about their own church hurt and the countless ways they had been excluded and rejected from the very place that should welcome anyone with open arms.

And I wept.

Because I laid it all down and considered myself a great failure in every category and I walked away and told Him that I was done.

And He decided that wasn't enough...

I was then connected with a wonderful agent and by His unmerited grace, I am now officially with Premiere Speakers Bureau and they will be booking any future speaking engagements and Pearl Events in various churches and cities.

And I wept.

Because I saw a glimpse of what He must be doing.

Because I never imagined that through this blog or through a small piece of my own testimony, He would speak with such volume.

And then, 

Because He is God all by Himself and there is no other .....

I was connected with a literary agent in Washington, DC. and by His grace, I am humbled to share that I am currently working on my first book proposal.

The agent will then pitch the book to various publishing houses in hopes of a book deal.

And that is when I nearly collapsed.

Because it feels so undeserved and so meant for someone else and also, so unbelievable.

This certainly was not meant for someone who has my testimony and who isn't a perfect church girl.

But when God speaks.

When God opens doors.

When God moves.

When God decides and orchestrates and sets things up according to His purpose and plan, no one can deny it.

This much is true.

And so with all humility of heart and knowing full well the mountain of mistakes I have made in life, I am, by His grace, writing whatever words He asks me to, and I am praying that He would simply have His way, that He would move and speak and orchestrate in whatever ways He so chooses through the pages of this proposal and through any upcoming speaking engagements and Pearl Events.

I would like to ask you to pray, if you feel led to, that God would pour out His spirit and His great love onto the pages of this book proposal and that He would supernaturally enable me to write it.

In between kissing babies and refereeing sibling arguments and folding loads of laundry and preparing lots of meals for our family, just to name a few things....

Thank you in advance beautiful friends.

With a heart in complete awe and wonder.

"I created you with a longing in your heart that only I can fill." Psalm 90:14

12 comments:

Love Being A Nonny said...

He called you because He qualified you. He called you because He loves you. He called you because in all your mistakes you still gave Him all the glory. He called you because YOU are the *least of these.* He called you so that I,and countless others, would have a friend with a heart bigger than the ocean, full of grace, to love us and feel worthy and accepted. I am honored to pray with you as you become the hands and feet of Jesus. Write on Sibi! Write on! I love you!

Maria said...

I love God. This is exactly what He does with us. He wrestles us, as He did with Jacob, until we admit who we are and give it all to Him. And then He blesses. Sometimes the wrestling matches go on for years, nearly killing all the hope and faith we thought we had. Many times we are left permanently disfigured emotionally and physically. But He ALWAYS comes through. He is a faithful God, forever.
I am not surprised one bit by the opportunities you've received. You may be inadequate on your own but you are more than adequate with God. I am going to be praying that no matter how famous you become, how many speaking engagements you headline and how many books you publish, you will always be most focused on listening to His voice, remembering Who gives these gifts and the struggle that came before all of it. I am so happy for you, sweet Sibi.xoxo

{A*very} Blessed Home said...

Sibi, your testimony always touches my heart and inspires me by the great leaps of faith that you take in allowing his light to shine in and through you! You are filled with grace and beauty as you have time and time again allowed God to work through the special gifts and talents that in placed right in you to reach and draw so many people closer to him. I am blessed by the words you write that he inspires through your faith. You are in my prayers always. May his love continue to strengthen you and sustain you as you continue to trust in him. You are a beacon of love and light in this world bringing about his kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven!

Ashley said...

Sibi, you have always, and continue to, inspire me. Honestly. None of this surprises me one bit. God gave you this gift. Run with it! I can't wait to see what He has in store for you. :)

Jenn Hudson said...

Wow! Word for word your post speaks into the many crevaces of my heart. It's been years since I've checked my blog roll favorites and happened to stumble here tonight. What an amazing story!!! I've been feeling so much of what you are saying. When you said. "I'm done" I could so relate. Also, I imagined Abraham laying his son on the altar, truly believing he was about to destroy the only dream he ever really had. Your words have truly inspired and ministered to me tonight. I needed this! And now prayers for your divine writing time, for strength and guidance and favor on this next chapter of your ministry!

KTG said...

I'm looking forward to hearing more of your stories. The "holy huddle" makes me laugh because it's just so true! You will encourage many and I will pray for you dear Sibi.

kt said...

God is SOOO good Sibi! I pray that your ears, eyes and heart stay so open to His word! Trust Him - you are SUCH an inspiration to all of your readers. Thank you!

chrissi said...

i knew it was just a matter of time. your words? perfection. please, count me inline for that book♥

Brittany atSeventeenHourDays said...

Wow. I saw that your "New Church Lady" post blew up like crazy, I didn't know all of the back story though. A million? wow.

paige said...

i'm so happy for you! & i'm so happy to see so many doors open wide!! you have blessed so many & i know you will continue to do big things for him!! 2014 will be a beautiful year for the riffers!
congratulations sibi!
~you are loved~

Ashley Lane Hamlin said...

Good for you! Good for you for sharing your fears and williness to set it all aside and to- by admitting you feel like a woman of complete UNfaithfulness, showing the true meaning of being a woman of faith.

nonnie said...

Oh, Sibi, have I been under a rock for the last few weeks? I just read your post and I am praising Jesus for this! How we knew (those who have listened to your testimony, witnessed your skills in organizing a Pearl Event that rocked our world, and read your blog posts that brought us to our knees) that YOU were sent by God to even greater things for His Glory! Bless you, dear one, that you have heard the call and are following His lead! I am so excited and yes, I will be praying!