The Well

Photograph of The Pearl Event by Coleen Verner

To this day I can't keep myself from looking in car windows on my way into church each week.

I'm looking for me.

Just in case she's sitting there.

Trying to decide whether or not to go inside.

Just in case she's in the fight of her life and wondering if Jesus is real and if God is who He says He is.

Just in case she's trying to decide if love and hope and faith belong to her too.

I'm looking for me.

18 years old with a baby in a carseat and two different last names. Because things do not always work out like we dreamed they would.

I'm looking for me.

20 years old and can't get past The Scarlet Letter. The ugly words. The shame. The guilt. The hatred.

I'm looking for me.

22 years old who's tried to find Jesus. But who couldn't get close enough to see if there was a line drawn in the sand or not. I'm looking for the girl who knows nothing but stones.

I'm looking for me.

24 years old who has found her Father for the first time in 22 years. Who had to meet him face to face in the state prison. Who went looking for answers to questions and who went looking for repentance and regret and hope that there was an explanation for why He walked away all those years ago and whose wondering if her Heavenly Father loves her the way her earthly Father never could.

I'm looking for me.

26 years old and who's wondering if every mistake she's ever made is what defines her. Who's wondering if the words others have chosen to use are true. Who's wondering if there really is a place and a space in God's kingdom for her.

I look for her every Sunday morning. 

Because I know if I can get my arms around her....this is what she would say.

I already know that I'm struggling.

I already know I may not have made the best decisions.

But when I woke up this morning, I wondered if today would be the day.

I wondered if I could have some of that water too.

But I don't know Him like you do and I don't trust anyone.

So when you shout me down with the scriptures, I can't hear anything that you are saying.

It falls on deaf ears and years and years of woundedness.

I need you to be the scriptures.

Don't tell me. 

Show me.

Show me in humility. Show me in kindness and meekness. Show me in love and patience and gentleness. Show me in authenticity and transparency. Show me in thoughtfulness and true generosity. Show me in honesty and faithfulness.

Show me how you draw from this deep, deep well.

Remember that I am a daughter too.

I may not have been loved like you and raised like you and educated like you.

But I am a daughter too.

Maybe my past looks different than yours but if you use the scriptures to shame me and to judge me and to humiliate me and exclude me...

I will walk out of this church and never come back.

You don't know what it took for me to get here this morning.

It took everything.

I'm looking for the well.

I've heard that I can meet Him here too. But I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

Will you lead me in love and kindness and gentleness and patience and goodness?

Will you show me what following Jesus looks like?

Will you be honest and true and genuine and sincere with me?

I can't match an image of perfection and a pretentious heart.  I can't follow that.

I only know worthlessness.

But someone told me once that He loves me too. Someone told me once that the work of the cross was for me too. Someone told me once that my sins are forgiven and that the grace of God was my gift too. Someone told me that I could just show up here and He would meet me in a very real and beautiful way and that I could experience His great love in this place. 

I am looking for the well.

I am looking for forgiveness and for hope and for healing. 

I am looking for the truth.

I am looking for a place to belong.

I am looking for Him.

Please be careful with me today.

I may not look like you and talk like you and live life like you.

But I am a daughter too.

I've read it in His word......

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and rising up; You understand my thought afar off.  You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all of my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high and I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence ? If I assend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.  If I say, "surely darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall me a light about me; Indeed, the darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
when I awake, I am still with You."  ~ Psalm 139:1-18

Be Glorified Lord. Use These Words To Bring Change In The Hearts Of Your Daughters.....